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cognitive restructuring.
the thing about being a psych student is how you'll apply all you learn to your own life and life transforms into monotone.
like something off the texts we read.
decided that what i fell for was not him per se, but the memory of him. of him on that day. of us on that day.
but because i decided to let go, i feel so torn apart. like something just got ripped out. and the big hole is unfillable.
as much as i like polo, i dont think it will talk to me the same way a human can.
the teapot seems to have gotten the hint that ill nv be with him. not that im complaining. haha.
but really, these few days, i feel so light yet so broken. i guess its always difficult to give up something you've always wanted.
my heart hurts like a bitch. i swear i wanna throw it away.
- Mood:
disappointed
been reading articles online for the past half hour. about whether i should love someone just because they love me, and like how to tell you're really into someone. and i realised that what i liked was a memory of him, not him per se. that memory was too emotional to be forgotten. (as a psych student i should have known better..) and then about the guy who loves me more than i love myself. we shall call him teapot. there are some signs that i should have been in love with him, like how i can heck care my dressing and behavior in front of him, but then again, i cannot imagine a future with him. CANNOT. period. no physical attraction whatsoever. and i have to say sometimes, it really bothers me that he wants to know so much about me. even if we end up together, it would be another ending. awkward ending. just like sally. im sure if we ended up tgt, it'll be an awkward ending. either that or ill be forcing myself to be with someone i cannot handle being with.
okay. im done with reflections. im single. and im gonna enjoy every bit of it until a deserving soul comes along. since ancestral times, it was never the duty of the women to look for her mate. come on seet, have confidence in yourself.
- Mood:
thoughtful
its times like this when i really wanna retreat back into the goalposts. safe. welcoming. home. in the water. thats where i feel happy. where i really wanna be. not out here sitting till my ass is hard and cold from the wooden chair at starbucks, staring at and trying to store whatever words i see before me. no, im not a visual person. and i dont think this is helping me in my studies.
has anyone ever tried that before? cause i seriously feel like quitting school. already.
- Mood: gloomy
and the real point of my posting today is to announce that i am moving on. once again, thank God. boys. who needs them? who runs the world? girls..
http://youtu.be/VBmMU_iwe6U
POWER TO THE WOMEN. we're so gonna run this motherfucking world. not gonna jio another guy again. come get me losers. hah.
- Mood:
relieved
on a sidenote, its really sad when the person you wish care for you doesnt even bother. lesson learnt-love doesnt always work both ways. 지금 죽고 싶다. the only thing keeping me alive is my posts. my bff. once and forever.
- Mood:
scared
"i cant believe you had the nerve to say the things you said. they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship."
for me. i cant believe you didnt even bother to care. or show any sign of concern. i cant believe after so much concern i showed for you, you never had the thought to reciprocate. even as friends. disappointed max.
my social life has been so void im actually ahead in my readings by i dont know how many weeks. gasps. friends, whoever can see this, pls jio me out for lunches and dinners and movies.
talking about movies, i just watched the 2 hongkong cny shows, i love hongkong 2012 and all's well ends well. i have to say, hongkong cny shows are tonnnnnns better than sg ones. but applause for an attempt. i really hope to have someone to spend valentines day with... but from how things are looking right now, i highly doubt so. sianz. another year along. or should i just stay FOREVERALONE. hahahhaa.
so ive heard stuff that made me doubt myself. and the possibility of "us". i wanted to give up. the night i cried myself to sleep, i gave up.
but depression has an unintended byproduct: rationality.
the next morning, i woke up and thought hard. given i wouldnt tell anyone and everyone about how i felt abt someone, i assume you wouldnt as well. therefore, its no surprise that you would wanna appear cynical of falling for a friend in front of another being. that i should trust my feelings and my instincts, rather than be swayed just by the mere words of this other being. yes. i trust myself. i believe in the magic of that night. and i believe in what ive prayed for. i will wait... 3 years, or whatsoever.
마음 이런 것 정말 복잡해.
我爱你， 你爱她，她爱他，他爱她。hebe's song. very true... hmmm.
ive been a fool for too long to drag my heart out from the pits. 언제 부터 널 좋아하는 지 모르지만 이제 완전 빠져서 나갈 수 없어.
sometimes i wish it were the other way round.. i should just settle for whoever wants me. gahh. life sucks.
울고 싶은데. 널 언제나 생각하고 있지만 난 아마 그냥 친구 사이이지. 친구들 따로따로 사귀었어. 그냥 나만 지금도 혼자다.
watching idol dramas make me drool. hot guys. pretty girls. and the irresistable fairytale love story.
lately ive regularly been reminded of the need to save money and to get a job. any free time should be spent working.
i kinda wonder if life beyond school is really that... when tgif really is more than a name.
however hard i try to quit, that night keeps popping up in my brain...
